The truck from the home store had come and Todd realized that he was more in the way in the kitchen so he went into the living room and started moving furniture out onto the deck. He’d start sanding down the living room floor, it wouldn’t take that long and it would give him something to do until Blair got home. He worried about her and therapy, he remembered how his was.
Blair walked through the door, smiling. Her face was flushed and splotchy.
"Are you okay?"
"I don’t know, I’m just not feeling well this morning. I’ll be right back," she went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and to splash some cold water in her face. Blair threw up one more time.
"Is my kitchen in yet?" She came into the living room, feeling a lot better.
"Almost," Todd led her into the kitchen where the workman were putting the finishing touches on.
"It’s beautiful, Todd."
"I think that it’ll work."
"I know it will, it looks like something out of a magazine."
"Or a catalogue," Todd took a sip of his beer, "Hey, notice anything else different?"
"Let’s see," Blair looked around, purposely ignoring the newly sanded floor, teasing him. "well, I can’t really see anything because the glare from my shiny, splinter free, teak floor is blinding me."
"It does look pretty good," Todd had to admit to himself that he was kind of proud of it.
"We’ll put the polyurethane down on tomorrow. It’s going to be beautiful, Todd."
"How was therapy?"
"It was okay." Blair didn’t want to talk about it. "I think that it’s silly, Todd. It’s a waste of time. Can we talk about something else?"
"Blair, you don’t have to tie yourself up in knots to make me happy. I just want you to be happy. Did you know that you’re having nightmares almost every night?"
Blair looked at him confused.
"You really don’t know do you?"
"Todd, I…"
"You have nightmares almost every night, you flail around in the bed like you’re fighting with somebody, you cry and you whimper. Usually I just pull you close and you stop; lately when I do it, you push me away, Blair. Something is going on inside of your head and it scares me. Why do you think that I asked you to go to therapy?"
"Todd, who knows what they’re about? They can’t be that big of a deal, I don’t even remember them. They’re only dreams, Todd; they can’t hurt us." Blair smiled, "Let’s go see our new kitchen!" she turned and went into the house, "come on, Todd; it’s almost done! Blair felt another cramp in her stomach, "Todd, I don’t feel so good; I’ll be right back."
He started to answer when he realized she had disappeared back into the bathroom and was throwing up again.
"Blair, what’s wrong with you? Are you okay?"
"I’m fine, I think that I must have some kind of bug."
"You should go to a doctor."
"No, it’s okay. I’ll just take something to settle my stomach and I’ll be good as new when you get home with Starr." She knew that she wasn’t pregnant, it was probably something that she ate. "Todd, it’s probably something that I ate."
"Blair, what could you possibly be throwing up, you haven’t eaten hardly anything."
"I don’t know, I’ll be okay."
"I want to stop at the home store again, they ordered us a 36" television, I want to see if it’s in. The satellite people are coming tomorrow. We’ll have television by tomorrow night."
"Todd where are we going to put it? It’s so big!"
"We’ll put it in the living room, Blair; right next to the fireplace."
Blair rolled her eyes.
"Cheer up, Blair; if you’re really good, I’ll rent us a dirty movie for this weekend," Todd winked at her.
"We could make our OWN dirty movie, Todd." Blair laughed. "But we won’t get to do that because you’ll be parked in front of the tube!"
"Nope, I’d still rather make a dirty movie with you than watch the Bears get their asses kicked."
"Really?"
"Definitely."
"You need to go pick up Starr."
Todd left and Blair went back into the bathroom to throw up. She took some Pepto Bismol and started to feel better.
She was puzzled about what Todd said about the dreams, she racked her brain and realized that she didn’t remember anything about any of them.
The delivery men came with the television and Blair reluctantly instructed them to set it up next to the fireplace. Todd set it up with the new VCR while Blair and Starr cooked dinner. Blair skipped dinner, she was almost afraid to eat; she was feeling better and she didn’t want to push it. She helped Starr with her homework and Todd put her to bed.
"Are you feeling better, Blair?"
"Yeah, I guess I ate something that didn’t agree with me."
"Blair, you haven’t been eating anything. I counted two bites from your hamburger yesterday on the boat, no breakfast this morning, no lunch, no dinner. What are you throwing up? Pepsi?"
"Good grief, Todd. You’re keeping a running list of what I eat? Somebody needs a life." Blair giggled and kissed him. "I’m fine now."
Todd started to get up, "Where are you going?"
"I’m going to warm up some food for you. You need to eat."
"Todd, I’m not hungry. I’ll eat when I’m hungry, I guess my stomach is still a little upset."
"Blair, I’m really worried about you."
"Well rest assured, you don’t need to worry, I’m in therapy right? Therapy solves all the problems." Blair said bitterly.
"Blair, we talked about this, if you don’t want to go it’s not going to do any good."
"Do any good? Am I acting crazy? I didn’t know I had a problem until you told me that I did. Silly me, I thought that being excited about making our house beautiful would make you happy. You call it obsession, I call it being enthusiastic about something that I thought that you cared about."
"Blair, therapy is a deal breaker, I really think that it’s a good thing."
"What are you going to do if I decide to stop, Todd?"
"Are you going to stop?"
"No, I won’t stop but I don’t like it and it makes me angry that you think that I need it. You start drinking again, tell me that I’m miserable and you shove ME into therapy. I think that you’re the one that’s miserable. Do you think that therapy is going to turn me into somebody that won’t make you want to drink?"
"No Blair, I’m sorry. I won’t drink anymore if you don’t want me to. I won’t drink if you keep going to therapy."
"Well Todd that is a huge sacrifice on your part!" Blair laughed bitterly.
"Blair, what in the hell do you want from me? You’re acting like somebody that I don’t know anymore. You stopped eating, you’re throwing up and you have nightmares every night. I want you to do this for us!"
"Our happiness is riding on MY Sanity?"
"Blair…"
"Oh that’s so lame, Todd. It’s scary as hell too!" Blair started to laugh at the thought.
"You promised that you’d go, Blair. I need you to follow through."
"Todd, I’ll do this in my own way. You’re acting like a control freak."
"How am I being a control freak?" Todd felt himself starting to get pissed at her.
"Look, I knew that this would happen. I told Candice today that I was not very happy about your drinking and the fact that you were demanding that I be in therapy. Do you know what she said? She said, ‘trust Todd tell him your concerns, trust him with your feelings…’ I told her that you’d just get pissed, now you’re pissed, I’m pissed and we’re about to have a nasty fight. I knew it. See? Yet another reason why I shouldn’t be in therapy. It just pisses me off and then I piss you off!" Blair walked out onto the patio. She needed to get away before she really said something that she’d regret.
Todd followed her outside shutting the door behind him. "I’m not fighting with you Blair, you’re fighting with me. Therapy is a deal breaker. I love you, Blair; but this is important. I’m trying like hell to get my act together and make this work, but I can’t do it alone. I’ll get rid of the beer if it bothers you that much if you keep going to therapy."
"Conditions, I thought that we weren’t going to do that, ‘I’ll love you IF you do this, Blair,’ ‘I’ll love IF you don’t do that,’ you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re trying to control me again, Todd and I don’t like it. It’s a waste of time and money."
"So Blair, you’re willing to waste everything that we’ve done here, everything; Starr’s happiness, my happiness, your own happiness because I’m wasting your time, my money and because you think that I’m a control freak?"
"You’re the risking it all, Todd; not me."
"So, Blair; where are you going to go when, you run away? That’s what you’ll do, it’s what you’ll always do. You think that you’ll just take Starr and disappear? Are you going to go back to Llanview?"
"I don’t know." Blair’s knees felt weak, she felt like she was going to be sick again. She walked to the edge of the porch and threw up again. "Look, Todd; I’m not feeling very well. We’ll talk about it tomorrow." She started to go back into the house.
"No, we’ll talk about it now. What about the nightmares? You have them every night. You never had them before."
"How do you know, Todd? How would you know, we haven’t lived together for years!"
"You didn’t have them before, Blair."
"Todd, has it ever occurred to you that I’ve been through a lot in the last few years? If the only side effect of what I’ve been through is some nightmares, then I’ll take them."
"Blair, I love you. You know that, look around you! Is this torture? I’ve loved you, I’ve offered you ANYTHING you want. I’m not even forcing this house on you, I’d give you a NEW house, servants, that country club crap that you love so much. There isn’t anything that I wouldn’t give you. I’m willing to give you anything that you want to keep you here and you’re pissed off because I asked you to spend ONE hour a week talking to someone who can help you out? You’re having nightmares and I’m not asking you what they’re about, I’m not asking you what got you so upset about therapy, I’m NOT asking you questions that you don’t want to answer. I’m respecting your space and you STILL think that I want to torture you?"
"You’d do anything to keep Starr with you."
"I probably would, Blair. Do you think that’s what this is all about? Do you honestly think that I’ve bought this house, offered everything that I have to you so I can be with Starr and not go back to Llanview?"
Blair was quiet.
"Answer me, Blair. Do you think that I’m conning you?"
Blair didn’t answer him. She was suddenly afraid of her own answer. Maybe he’d be happier with Tea here but he needed Starr. Maybe he’d decided that Tea wasn’t worth losing Starr so he was settling for her to keep Starr. Maybe if he knew that the gig was up it would all stop, he’d just give up and they’d be back to the pathetic excuse their marriage was when she was pregnant with Brendan. No love, no sex, no anything; just some kind of show for everybody else; now they’d be putting it on for Starr. She didn’t feel strong enough to do that again.
"Answer me Blair!"
"It’s okay, Todd. I’ll do the therapy," she said in her most obedient voice, fighting the urge to just tell him to go to hell; it would only make things worse. Did it really matter why she was doing it? It didn’t matter to her. She loved him, she was miserable without him, she knew that she could make him love her again. She was comfortable with second best anyway; it beat the hell out of ‘never was’.
She started to walk into the house, she felt dead inside. It was better than the alternative, she thought. No more tears, she’d do this therapy thing, play the game and if this was the price that she’d have to pay to be with Starr and Todd. Then she’d pay it. She felt pathetic as hell, loving a man who didn’t love her, sacrificing for a man who was settling made her sick. It made her hate herself, but she accepted it. She had to stay; there was no other place to go.
"Blair, you never answered my question."
Blair ignored him and walked into the house. Todd watched her walk back into the bedroom, the bathroom door shut and he heard the tub running.
He sat in the living room, puzzled as hell; trying to figure out what in the hell was in her head. He wondered if he’d done so many horrible things to her that she was afraid that if she got well, she’d leave. He wondered if she would. Maybe he would take her anyway that he could, he didn’t know anymore but he knew that he had to keep her here somehow. He didn’t want to be without her.
By the time that he climbed into bed, he thought that she was asleep. He felt her roll over towards him. She kissed him, "Todd, I’m sorry. I’m just really having a bad day."
"Make love to me, Todd. Please…," she said seductively.
"No, Blair; I’m not going to make love to a woman who thinks that I’m using her." He rolled over and tried to go to sleep, he was aching to hold her but he wasn’t going through that. He wasn’t going to do this. There were some things that he couldn’t do.
Blair felt tears burning in her eyes, it was too late. She’s already lost him; she knew that she’d thrown it all away again. How many times did this make? She’d lost count. Blair was so angry with herself that she wanted to climb out of her own skin. She was going to lose it all, she felt it in her bones.
# 50
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